I have issues (in 3-D)

7/11/10 Pair of 3-D glasses, recycled

Boy, it was a good plan. Foolproof, really, and I was going to cash in with it. It was going to be my greatest eBay victory, earn me a hefty check, and lead to a fantastic and funny blog post. I'd even given the post a title already: Sex Sells.

Oh, it would have been glorious.

And now I have to admit it will never happen.

Here's the back story:

As I've reported before, I've been a Sports Illustrated subscriber since 1987. As I am sure you are well aware, each year Sports Illustrated releases a special issue focusing on the biggest issues in contemporary sports culture.

It's called the Swimsuit Issue.

As my most faithful readers will recall, I've been quite a hoarder of Sports Illustrated, particularly those with Boston sports figures on the cover and special issues. Naturally, I always saved the swimsuit issue, if for no other reason than photos of Elle MacPherson never get old.

Still, I'm married with children -- well, one kid, but he is a handful -- and it's probably time to let go of the soft porn veiled in athletic literature.

But, here's the beautiful thing (no pun intended), I just KNEW that someone out there was going to pay through the teeth to get every swimsuit issue since 1987. Twenty-four historically significant, socially acceptable magazines full of skin, sun, and sand. Oh, baby, the eBay auction was going to be glorious, with the goal of hitting triple digits a distinct possibility.

Plus, as magazines, the swimsuit issues would qualify for the media mail rate, thereby bypassing the biggest problem of eBay (as outlined in this post). And, of course, with a big payday, I would have something to show for holding onto those magazine for all these years.

And then the magazines disappeared. Ugh.

As we packed up the house for the move to Colorado, I suddenly discovered I couldn't find the boxes of swimsuit issues. I had the ones since 2004, when I moved back to Maine, but all the earlier issues were nowhere to be found. I went into a bit of denial, even carting the 2004-2010 issues into our temporary rental in Maine believing all the rest would magically show up. I checked my parent's attic, where most of them had been stored since I was in high school, but they weren't there, either.

The day I drove out of Maine, I tossed those most recent seven years into my folks' recycling bin. It was over.

Strangely, though, I couldn't quite surrender the dream. One of Sports Illustrated's many gimmicks over the years -- hey, even gorgeous women in thongs get repetitive after a couple of decades -- was to publish an issue in 3-D, which arrived complete with the iconic red/blue 3-D glasses. Even as I tossed those final magazines, I couldn't throw away the glasses.

Why not? Your guess is as pathetic as mine, but I held on to them, carting them all the way to Denver.

They've been sitting on the shelf by our front door where I put my wallet and keys each night, a painful reminder of my lost fortune.

Even tonight, as I tossed the paper glasses into the recycling bin, I had delusions of grandeur. I imagined that the phone was going to ring, and Dad was going to say that he just discovered the missing mags in some closet. The plan could still come together!

No, I guess that call isn't going to come.

But, if it does, I'm ready. The blog post is going to be called Sex Sells, and I might just use my earnings to finally buy that iPad...

(Because, hey, Sports Illustrated looks even better on the iPad than in magazine form -- and every back issue of the swimsuit issue can be instantly downloaded.)